People Pleasing And How To Overcome It

People-pleasers are known for doing whatever it takes to make other people happy; though while being kind and helpful is a good thing, going too far to please others can end up leaving you emotionally stressed, exhausted and anxious. Usually, pleasing others involves putting their needs ahead of your own, which is often what causes problems with self-advocacy, leading to a harmful pattern of self-sacrifice and self-neglect. To recognise the behaviour of people-pleasing and its negative impact, I will provide tips and help on how to set boundaries and look after your own wellbeing first to ensure your needs are met emotionally and mentally.

There is a possibility that there is a bit of, or a lot of, guilt-tripping involved every time you want to say “no” to something or someone. The consequences of being a people-pleaser can leave you feeling emotionally drained and burned out, which is why this needs to be addressed. However, it is important to note that we are not professionals and therefore cannot provide absolute help tailored for you; it is recommended that you speak to a professional by either self-referring yourself to your local counsellor/therapist or speaking to your doctor to see what options you have available.

According to PsychCentral, these are the traits associated with people-pleasing behaviour:

• being agreeable
• being conflict averse 
• having difficulty saying “no”
• being stressed or overwhelmed
• being passive aggressive
• being prone to resentment
• being hasty in taking blame
• having trouble being true to their beliefs

People-pleasing can impact any and every part of your life, such as with family, friends, or at work: “Research suggests that saying yes too often at work can lead to overstretched resources, reduced quality of work, and feeling overwhelmed with too many tasks.” To read more about this specific research, then click the following link on ‘The Power of Saying No’ written by Antentor O Hinton Jr., Melanie R McReynolds, Denise Martinez, Haysetta D Shuler, and Christina M Termini.

Here are the best helpful ways on how to stop being a people-please:

• Realise that you have a choice – become more aware of yourself.
• Identify your priorities – write them down if that helps.
• Set boundaries – voice out how you feel and communicate how you would like to spend your time.
• Set a time limit – time blocking is not only helpful for productivity, it also allows you a hard stop when assisting someone.
• Consider when you may be getting manipulated – this is a difficult one, but take notice of anyone in your life who uses excessive amount of compliments and flattery to convince you to do something.
• Create a mantra – use quotes, self-talk, journaling, etc.
• Do not say “Maybe” or “I don’t know”, say it with conviction, “No” – you can learn to say “No” by starting with asking for more time too, as delaying it by saying “Let me get back to you on that” can also have a similar effect, just not as strong.
• Do not use excuses, simply say what you want or need.
• Start small – baby steps.
• Never apologise for how you truly feel – if it is not your fault, then there is no need to say “Sorry”.

Keischa Pruden, a licensed therapist in Ahoskie, North Carolina, spoke regarding boundaries, saying, “It will be scary at first to voice your true feelings because you’re so used to catering to other people and their feelings. However, those that love and support you will applaud your efforts to live an authentic life. Those who become defensive or angry more than likely are benefitting from your people-pleasing lifestyle and feel threatened by your newfound freedom. It may be time to evaluate and make changes to your support system.”

With this general guide, you will be able to start somewhere and grow into a stronger person who looks after your mental and emotional wellbeing, which you may already be doing! However, remember to do what makes you happy first, before making others happy by choice, not by guilt or force.