How To Deal With Friends Who Overshare, And How To Support Them

Many of us may be dealing with oversharing sensitive and personal information in our lives, whether that is as a recipient or not, and it can become difficult when you do not know how to respond in the best way possible. In particular, assuming the role as ‘the listener’ is a difficult task as well as being the subject of the tough times, as it is not always easy helping someone and it can have an emotional impact of ‘playing therapist’ to friends and family; therefore, setting boundaries is a key aspect of any relationship, which is why it is completely okay to come to the conclusion of being too exhausted to deal with certain issues. If you are looking for ways to be supportive, but also look after your own mental health, then this is the guide for you, as I have compiled tips and techniques you can apply to your own situations to help you out – best of all, these are all recommended by mental health professionals!

Be honest

When you are faced with a situation where you feel that a friend or family member is emotionally dumping on you, then ask yourself, do you have the capacity to listen to them right now? Alison Nobrega, a therapist in Oakland of California, speaks about setting the first and foremost boundary of being honest with your time and mental state. You cannot give time to someone when you have barely given yourself any time, especially when you are also stressed about something going on in your life. Alison Nobrega suggests saying something like, “I want to be there for you, but I am unable to support you today in the way you need,” and then you may follow up with a time when you can sit down together and communicate. This method allows the other person to respect your time and mental state, as well as become aware of oversharing or emotionally dumping on you.

Seek support professionally

Encourage your friend or family member to find support in other ways, as well as yourself, in order to create a comfortable support system and to avoid oversharing to one person; that way, you are still helping them, but in a way that is more manageable to you. Help them find a therapist, a counsellor, or give them a helpline number, such as the Samaritans on 116 123. 

Venting vs trauma dumping

In trauma dumping, the person oversharing does not take responsibility or show any self-reflection; the action is usually aimed to generate sympathy and attention. Research by Fielding Graduate University has shown that trauma dumping does not make things better, it instead affects the person on the receiving end and makes them feel worse due to the spread of negativity that drains away most of their energy. On the other hand, venting has benefits as an alternative coping method, as it can not only protect relationships but can lead to greater self-awareness. Venting is speaking about something bothersome or troubling, but without throwing extreme emotions onto the person listening. Support friends and family to vent and suggest keeping a journal as a means of expressing negative emotions, because this will help them to avoid releasing all the negative energy onto other people in their lives.

Know when to stop

Saying, “You know I care for you but I am feeling overwhelmed and am not sure how I can help you,” is a valid response to someone who may be oversharing; and although it can feel like you are not being a good friend or family member, it is important to note how you yourself are doing mentally, which is why it is vital to understand when and how to stop. Let them know that you are struggling, and if they do not like your response, then that is up to them to deal with; however, hypnotherapist and certified life coach Marie Fraser speaks about the cruciality of knowing one’s own ability before going ahead with helping someone who may be suffering and needs further professional help. You may also reach a point when you are so far into trying to help them, that it becomes difficult to stop, and the other person ends up constantly expecting you to ‘be present’ for them whenever they need.

If you, or someone you know, is struggling with their mental health or emotional wellbeing, then you can find support and resources on the mental health charity Mind website HERE; If you are struggling, you can ask your doctor for a referral, or you can self-refer. You can also call the Samaritans in the UK on 116 123 or email jo@samaritans.org for confidential support.